If I don't still love them now, then I never really did.

That's a truth that I only just realised some time ago. I may have used the wrong term at the time, talking about loving a television program...same with loving places I used to go, or people I used to know.

But the ones that I really did love, you know I can tell? I still love them. After all these years.

And the ones I didn't love...well, I stil don't.

So, Mr Knight, Jr. HIgh Science Teacher extraordinare - I still LOVE you (although a bit differently than I thought at age 14). I love that you encouraged me to like experiments and exploring.

Peter Beiger - I still love you. You were and are one of a kind.

Funny how some names just come to mind, in a lucid train of thought like exercise.

Some people I was too young to know how to love. Sorry, guys.

But there's one ....his name is Richard. While others were too hot, or too cold, he was just right.

Did then. Still do. Always will. Some truths are so transparency they need no explanation.

And then, there is Bella :)

It seems to me that The Book (I'm talking about the Bible here) is pretty clear on this - G-d says what is sin, not us. It's not up to us to say we think something is "ok" if the Bible clearly says it is "not ok".

At the same time, if someone doesn't know what's in The Book, then their concept of 'sin' is going to be different from someone who does know - but (and this is the hard part to swallow) that doesn't mean that its not sin and they they aren't accountable to G-d for it. It's still sin. Whether you or me or anyone else 'agrees' or 'thinks so', if G-d says it is a wrong thing, then it is a wrong thing.

But does this mean that those who have never heard, or don't know, and by this I mean genuinely don't know, not who know bu tfor this or that reason refuse to accept it because they don't 'agree' with it - does this mean they are bound for hell? Well, I think the truth is we are all bound for hell, and only one way to avoid that, and that remains the same for you, me, or the starving person in some for away land who never heard about this "Gospel". Is that harsh? Does that mean that the G-d I love is somehow cruel and unfair?

I don't think so. First of all, He makes the rules and decides what's fair, not me. Not you. Not the surpreme court. Not anyone or anything else. Just Him. But second of all, He is G-d. He can sort things out in ways we can't even imagine. If He really is who He said He was, then there's nothing keeping Him for sorting out a mans brief time on earth, and knowing that mans heart well enough to know everything he'd everdo, or decision he'd ever make if he _had_ heard or known. So how does this all play out in the functional? Is there some "second chance" for the lost person to hear and accept the Gospel after they die?

I doubt it. In fact, I think the Bible is pretty clear, once you die, if you rejected the Gospel prior, thats it. No second chance. But what it doesn't say is what happens if you _didn't_ reject it, but rather never heard it. Is the G-d I know loving, kind and just? He is. Does He love every person of this race of man He created (in His own image!) even though we are a disobedient and rebellious people? He does. So while He doesn't ever contradict Himself, and while I believe every thing He had written in His Book is true, I also believe there are things He knows that are not in that Book - things we in our finite minds could not begin to understand. And I don't see any reason why G-d, in His infinte wisdom and love, wouldn't have a plan for _all_ of His creation. In fact, I'm sure He does because He says He has known us all since before we were born.

Man has made a mess of this world. There's no denying that, and I think just about everyone would agree - things are a mess. Man's own inhumanity toward others is racing forward at a speed that is terrifying to think about. Depravity and wickedness flourish all over the earth. I can't blame G-d for that. In fact, its the willful absence of obedience to G-d that is at fault. We throw Him out, reject Him, and then wonder why life is like hell (and have the audacity to blame Him!).

But I digress. My new friend really gave me pause to think about sin, and how people view it. At the end of this thinking (and it is a lot of heavy thinking) I have come to the conclusion that sin is truly horrific, and that it separates us from G-d. And that makes me shake my head, because after all, that is what The Book said to begin with. Sin separated mankind from G-d. Christ came to reconcile man to G-d. How He goes about that thru all of time, and up to the time when He returns, and judgement - well, I think all things considered it is reasonable to leave that to Him. There are some things people just can't fully grok - even with all the knowledge, all the wisdom in the world, some things are beyond us.

"Who made the stars shine in the heavens, and the moon in the sky? Who commands their coming and going? Who makes the birds to fly, and the fish to swim, and takes pleasure and delight in His creation? It is the Lord God, the King of Israel, the wonderful Counselor, the Prince of Peace, the Mighty One. "

It's very smple. After getting half way thru an excellent performance review, and as I prepared to present some "critical" work, I was summoned to the local office and summarily dismissed.

It seemed a bit coincidental that I had just re-requested my medically-required flight upgrade (which had been taken off my record) just days before. it seemed even more coincidental that i had just booked my hotels and notified flights that i now would be traveling with my service dog, Bella.

in fact, it seemed so coincidental that i have to believe the reason they cut me was to cut the costs incurred in accomodating my disability. i was told as much by someone in upper management. it simply cost too much to fly me business class to the places i needed to go to do the work i was doing - work that no one else could do as well, but well, costs were costs.

this is just *wrong*.

i am not one to litigate. in fact, i hate such thigs, and would rather arrive at an agreement that avoided conflict. however, my requests to modify the severance agreement (requests that would allow me to work in this industry in a meaningful capacity) have been met with 'we aren't interested'. so, i didn't sign it.

so, i didn't get a severance package. yay.

its the principle of the thing really. promoting me as representing their committment to diversity, and then terminating me as soon as my accomodation cost them something is just not on. its one thing to talk about providing all of these things for employees; its another to actually do them. i needed some time off, for health reasons. i had put off taking it, for the benefit of the company, for months. project finally finished, things wrapped up, going to make use of those touted benefits and SLAM.

So that is what is going on. After being called to a meeting (a drive of over two hours) for what I thought was to finish my review, I was terminated. It was a long drive back home.

Now, I'm at RSA and I don't want to see anyone. Since this all happened, I have become increasingly distrustful of people in general. I just never expected this. I keep thinking it was some mistake, and that someone checked a box that got rid of my position without really knowing what I did, or that I really _needed_ that accomodation, I wasn't being whimsical. I keep thinking its all a bad dream. But I don't wake up.

I was told I did an excellent job - and I know I did. I was told I always delivered - and I know this is also true. I was told everything that said "i hate this, its wrong, i have no choice". Thing is, we always have a choice. Its just sometimes we have to choose to do things we don't want to do. I understand that.

We al have choices.

I, for example, chose to ignore a lot of inconsistencies. I can't do that anymore.

To everyone here at RSA who has asked me about the Thompson/Trilling act at the keynote: I had nothing to do with it. I don't work for Symantec.

Right now, I am a free agent.

He never attends, so not attending would not be a big deal, I think. Attending would be a far bigger deal - bringing light to the darkness. The torch, the president, the olympics - all can bring light to the darkness. Maybe even, they can help bring Light to the darkness, which is, at the end of the day, the only thing that will stop the bad things.

Me, I just hope to stay out of the way of the riots. Richard having been sicker than I've ever seen him except twice in his life, yesterday was spent during the day in-room, so we didn't see Richard Gere or any of the protesting going on. I hear today will be so big that it will be impossible to miss.

Civil disobedience. Ok. Its brought attention to the issue. Now what? The world is watching? How do we make the bad things stop? Again, back to the only way. And I smile as I think of Lottie Moon.

there are things i've done in my life that i have spent a lot of time trying to 'fix'; things i wish i hadn't done or said; places i wish i'd never gone ..its time they become the song they really are....

"in my life....i love you more".

All my tomorrows, all my life, Jesus is Lord of all.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

A lot has been happening since my last post. It is not quite the 'life life, don't blog' scenario, but close. Those who come here because they know me and want to get the general global update, well, they should be back up and running at least partially in the near future. If you don't know me and just happened by here because you are doing research on computer security, there are still lots of papers on the site about all that - its just not what I'm doing right now.

Me? I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

This is about resurfacing from the inside out.

"wake me up, when september ends"
"are we there yet?"
" me, i never take my towel to the beach"

in a quantillion ways everyone watches her sparkle and shimmer her love all around him
until there is simply
nothing
left
to
see

Nothing, left to sea, she said selling sea shells by the sea shore
Or was it c shells by the "sure", i see you...

It was route 528, running all the roads to home
ending, looking up at the sign
empty eyed once again

grey boy looks on at the party
waits for her to ask him to dance
sure, he sees her
their eyes meet
and the two inanimate, worn with love, more than a bit tattered
collapse in each other arms, hooves and hands
they dance in the kitchen
in a sea of tears.

little boy blue, come blow your horn
the sheeps in the meadow, the cows in the cor...

Wait, he said. Those are sugar beets.
And they had a chance to live happily, ever after that day, that is.

yes!

yes.

"Are you craving puppies? - www.honda.com - Whatever you're craving, the Crave Reader can guess. Try it out"

I hate the Internet.

If you don't want your baby, don't kill it.

There are people who would love to raise your child and give it the opportunity to have a good life. Me, for instance. I would have taken in any of those children that I've read about on the news recently. She or he would be sitting being read to, eating some warm cereal, and being tucked into a cozy bed instead of a grave.

I am so saddened by these recent events. Overwhelmingly saddened. I can't imagine how it must feel to be in such a position as to feel there is no other option. Such desperation. Such finality.

Dear God, please have mercy on us all.

hmm. do the two guys in this picture look like twins?

imago at its best.

if they had, they'd know that one bad apple spoils the whole bunch every time.

I mean after all, a little leaven leavens the whole lump. it doesn't just stay there leavening on its own.

bad company corrupts good character. it isn't enough to be bad alone. bad requires some territory.

there's no such thing as something being "a little bit wrong". No good will come from something that is not "right".

life as we know it may be temporary, but the rules and principles that are reality do not and have not changed.

one bad apple spoils the whole bunch. every time.

both for those looking on, and for those consuming. not to mention for the bananas, which are, after all, more likely to come in bunches than are apples, which are likely to be in bushes, pecks and hugs around the neck.

we have our apple. we have separated it from all other apples. there are no bunches here. we are past the point of no return...

these aren't even words that are known in any language
and if they are, they probably mean something different to me.
of course they do.
of course they do.

"not at all" or "way too much".
one thing leads to another
and so it goes.