and thats how we found them...
ive spent a few days in 'hermitage", more specifically a retreat offered by Franciscan brothers. Not just any retreat, but a silent one - spent in community.
i learned a few things.
first, i learned it really is red and yellow, kill a fellow. i saw my first in the wild coral snake on my walk in the woods. it was beautiful.
second, there are a LOT of mosquitos in central Florida. granted, there are seven or eight less now than there were, but there are still a lot. and, i'm still very allergic to them.
third, if i never had a tv again, i'd be just fine.
fourth, i am excessively weary, tired, exhausted, and any other word that means just physically done in.
fifth, sleep is good.
six, there are some things i have to let go of. i've let go of activities and obsessions with some of the people that i should have jettisoned long ago, but there's still that matter of forgiveness.
until you really forgive, you can't actually experience your life in the present. unforgiveness keeps you tied to the past, no matter how much progress you make - and it can be a lot - in life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, lack of forgiveness is a heavy, unrusting, unrelenting chain to the pain of the past. forgiveness is giving back to the person, with or without their actually even knowing or accepting it, that which is rightfully not really yours to be responsible for.
"You did THIS to me". "THIS" is something they did. Not me. To forgive means I put it back where it belongs and no longer hold them responsible _to me_ for it. The debt _to me_ is fulfilled. They still have something to 'make up for', but not to me. There may be more they want to do (or not) to "make up for" pain even, and sometimes that wont even happen until a long time after. It might or might not make me feel better.
But whether they do or not, doesn't matter to me now. I want to know about how to forgive. I know what it is. I just don't know quite how to do it in all situations.
and truth be told, i dont _want_ to do it in all situations.
but at least for now, in the ones that _matter_, the retreat gave me a chance to think thru these things, and decide, rather than having feelings and memories dictate my existance.
Time to live. Life. Live, even. It's October 31. Time to smash those pumpkins :).
Like water.