« September 2007 | Main | November 2007 »

October 31, 2007

and thats how we found them...

ive spent a few days in 'hermitage", more specifically a retreat offered by Franciscan brothers. Not just any retreat, but a silent one - spent in community.

i learned a few things.

first, i learned it really is red and yellow, kill a fellow. i saw my first in the wild coral snake on my walk in the woods. it was beautiful.

second, there are a LOT of mosquitos in central Florida. granted, there are seven or eight less now than there were, but there are still a lot. and, i'm still very allergic to them.

third, if i never had a tv again, i'd be just fine.

fourth, i am excessively weary, tired, exhausted, and any other word that means just physically done in.

fifth, sleep is good.

six, there are some things i have to let go of. i've let go of activities and obsessions with some of the people that i should have jettisoned long ago, but there's still that matter of forgiveness.

until you really forgive, you can't actually experience your life in the present. unforgiveness keeps you tied to the past, no matter how much progress you make - and it can be a lot - in life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, lack of forgiveness is a heavy, unrusting, unrelenting chain to the pain of the past. forgiveness is giving back to the person, with or without their actually even knowing or accepting it, that which is rightfully not really yours to be responsible for.

"You did THIS to me". "THIS" is something they did. Not me. To forgive means I put it back where it belongs and no longer hold them responsible _to me_ for it. The debt _to me_ is fulfilled. They still have something to 'make up for', but not to me. There may be more they want to do (or not) to "make up for" pain even, and sometimes that wont even happen until a long time after. It might or might not make me feel better.

But whether they do or not, doesn't matter to me now. I want to know about how to forgive. I know what it is. I just don't know quite how to do it in all situations.

and truth be told, i dont _want_ to do it in all situations.
but at least for now, in the ones that _matter_, the retreat gave me a chance to think thru these things, and decide, rather than having feelings and memories dictate my existance.

Time to live. Life. Live, even. It's October 31. Time to smash those pumpkins :).

Like water.

October 21, 2007

puppyland

our first match.

i NQed her. but she finished the race.

that's my dog. Determination.

Now, to bed. Exhaustion threatens to claim me here on the couch....

October 18, 2007

the party

bella's first birthday.

seven dogs.

one pinata.

one pumpkin cake.

lots of presents.

photos to follow.

texas

I've never been to my birthplace. Sometimes I want to see it. I take great pride in being from it. You know, the whole "don't mess with Texas" thing. But I've never actually been to the part of Texas where I was actuall born.

I think I'd like to go there.

I wonder how me, my Bella, and a list of campgrounds would do on a cross country trip. Well, not actually across the entire country. Just the part of it between me and Texas. Of course, that would require some planning, and probably a new car. Probably one that has seats the fold up. One that could double as a bicycle transport.

Hmm. I wonder where one might find such a vehicle.


don't worry - he will never let me do it alone, even with my Bella, and a few extra clips. but i would like to go camping. maybe in the driveway?

October 09, 2007

conformation

..but be conformed to the image of Christ

what is the image of Christ? well, holiness, purity, things like that which are, to me anyway, pretty far out of reach. ok, sure, so compared to some other people on the face of this earth, i'd rank pretty high in the purity department. and yes, i do all the 'holy' things. but i'm not pure. and i'm not holy. i think things that aren't nice at all - like, my mind might wander to how someone who has really hurt me is forced to move away where they can't hurt me any more by their very existence. Or, I might think back on teachers that embarassed me, and take far too much pleasure in the fact that now, some decades later, they are probably not still there. These are not the thoughts of the holy or the pure. I've even had the occasional improper thought about Dr. House, or (ok, this is really embarassing), Adrian Monk. A comment I made to someone about the cute geeky guy in NCIS is the sort of thing that most people would say is 'harmless', or even 'totally healthy'. But are those thoughts and comments "in the image of Christ"?

No.

What other things are in the image of Christ. Well, now that I think about it, there are some characteristics that I've found myself more able to develop with consistency (and His help). Patience. I'm told I excel at patience. Patience was not my choice, though. It was forced on me. Be patient, or lose what you most want. Relationships seem to be especially in need of 'patience'. Relationships with family, friends, co-workers. Ok, so I've been thru the fires of learning patience. It's helped me now, when things like long waits in lines or no dinner when I think I should have it. Being patient pays off if the think you're being patient about/for is in Gods will for you. He always finishes what He starts.

Kindness. I can't say I think of myself as "kind". But this week, I've been told a couple of times that I'm very kind. I don't know what that assessment is based on, I've really just been taking time to live and to really 'be present'.

Another characteristic that is conformed to Christ is "seeking not its own". that means putting the needs of others before your own. Now, some people say thats unhealthy ....especially the part about denying yourself. I've spent years thinking about this, and i know its really not popular, but I would agree. I'm not big in favor of promoting 'self', and I'd go so far as to say in a good relationsihp, it is not only good, but desireable to put the wants and needs of your partner above those of yourself. I mean, what is really SOOOOO important that a person has to have their own way? Of course, that only works if the people are emotionally healthy. If they aren't, then one person may want things, the other person 'gives in' and this happens over and over and over - thats not what 'seeking not your own' is about. It's about not insisting on your own way. Not about insisting someone else puts their needs aside for you. Only _you_ can seek not your own way.

So, where does that leave me in my thinking about being conformed....well, when I was saved, or as some call it, Born Again (hmm. actually that is what the Bible calls it), I was conformed in my spirit, to the image of Christ. But I livein a world that is pretty corrupted and no matter how I try, I am not likely to ever be fully conformed in _this_earthly body, to the image of perfection. That doesn't mean I should't continue to try. But I think trying is more a matter of doing the things I know are the basics of following after the Lord, and those other things will come.

My very simply morning prayer: Good morning God, This is your day. I am your child. Show me your way.

I think, said with sincerety, even a memorized prayer is not 'praying by vain repetition as do the heathen'. I think a memorized prayer can be a wonderful way to meditate on the Lord. And, when you think about something enough, it becomes something that is just 'with you". That can be bad, if, for example, you become consumed with someone who hurt you to the point you have to know what they are doing to make sure they don't hurt you again. Or it can be good, as in knowing someone in your family loves you and is there for you, so you can go thru your lifetime knowing you are loved, and that you can love back!

I guess it all comes down to the choice. So, as I asked several years ago, which will it be? The Lady or the Tiger?

Which will you choose?

in reality there is no lady
just the sum of wrong desire.
but the tiger sleeps in waiting
come, awake forever fire.

we are the tigers, mighty mighty tigers
everywhere we go, people want to know, who we are, so we tell them
we are the tigers..

given I was given a tiger in 1995, I think its only right that I ditch the lady that never really existed, and go for the tiger. I could use a fire on this cold night.

Transformed? Bit by bit. more today than yesterday, a product of choices, and G-d's grace.

"Be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed (how?) by the renewing of your mind, so that ye may prove what is the good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." (Romans 12:2)


October 04, 2007

still...

after all this time

yum

yum

one day, my friend, one of us will run out of time...

blink

Out of the mouths (again)

Snuggling with a four year old.....room full of care bears and ponies....and this very, very insightful stream of consciousness

"Daddy and Mommy aren't here."
"Hey I just thought of something. Daddy has the rules. Mommy has the rules. But YOU don't have the rules!".

"Let the fun begin"

indeed

October 03, 2007

out of the mouths of babes

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
Karen, age 7

sparkleface.gif

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica, age 8
prettyhearts.jpg

"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross, but He didn't. That's love."
Max, age 5
jesuslovesme.gif


"What flowers?"
Richard, age 39

richardsroses.jpg